Surviving You

Chapter 1

Hello, Love

Everything about our relationship had intensity. His warmth, his kiss, his words. During class breaks, we made out in corners, his hot breath on the nape of my neck and his strong hands clasped against me. His long, brown hair resembled Kurt Cobain’s and running my fingers through it became my favorite hobby. The way he looked at me, I couldn’t resist. My teenage hormones were raging, and this seductive boy had my heart.

We spent spare time passing notes in study hall and writing letters to each other in class. He loved the chase, and oh, did I make him work for it. I told him I wouldn’t date him until he knew me better. He asked me to write down a list of questions I had about him. Not taking him seriously at all, I went to MySpace—which at the time had dozens of random questionnaires.

I wrote down some questions from the internet and came up with a few of my own. I gave the list to him the next day, and he answered every single one in-depth. At the end he wrote, “I have now filled out one application for the position of Emma Sawyer’s boyfriend.” The time and effort he put in surprised me, making me want him even more.

We started taking our open lunch together. Half the time, I would go with his friends to Foodland and get something to go from the deli. The rest of the time, we invaded the Dollar General for snacks. He loved Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies. They were his favorite. We’d raid the store for candy, chips, and snacks — and he was notorious for stocking every locker, car, and backpack he owned with Mountain Dew.

It was the winter of my freshman year in 2007, and I was already feeling older than fifteen. One day David and I went to lunch with his friends. As they scoured for snack food, he found a fake rose and, placing it in his mouth, danced the tango with an invisible partner. I giggled as I turned away, rushing to get my snack as well. He pursued me, rose still in his mouth. “Emma…,” he gently whispered.

I rolled my eyes and turned around. He pressed up against me, the flower gently extended between us. Looking into his eyes, I felt connected to him as he held me close.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” he said. All my muscles weakened as he wrapped his arms around me and placed his lips on mine. It was feverish and sexy, even though the setting was less than romantic.

We spent our days sneaking around the school. My mother was the ninth grade English teacher, and she did not approve of David. My parents didn’t like that he was older, and he had a bad reputation with my mother’s colleagues. He was always getting in trouble for skipping class or turning in his work late. Plus, he smoked. That wasn’t a way to win over any parent.

I didn’t care about that stuff. All I cared about was the way he made me feel. Sometimes we’d sneak away from our friends at lunch, making out in secluded alleyways. Sometimes we’d even bring our lunches and take his car to a vacant parking lot less than a mile away from the high school, where we’d share our food, talk about any current drama with our friends, and cuddle.

“I want to spend every moment of every day like this,” he whispered in my ear, arms draped around me. Sitting in his car with the seats reclined, my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat, I couldn’t agree more.

“Your heartbeat is my favorite soundtrack,” I sneered.

He rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, shut up, smartass.”

I liked to be snarky with him. He was always teasing me about everything.

His hand glided up my abdomen, underneath my shirt, reaching toward my bra. I grabbed his hand and pushed it down.

“Honey, I’m really not comfortable with that just yet.”

“Okay…I mean, we can wait and all. There’s no rush.”

“You’re okay with that?”

“I mean, I’m not ecstatic about it…but yeah, I’ll wait for you to be ready.” The look on his face said something else entirely.

“You’re an amazing guy, you know that?” I looked into his eyes, propping myself up.

Positive reinforcement? Remembering this moment as an older Emma, I can see how he was priming me. These little nuances would only get worse throughout the years. The menacing looks. Saying one thing and meaning another.

“I know…” he snickered.

His cold hands reached up to my armpits and he started to tickle me. I screeched. “Oh my god, stop.”

I hated being tickled, but I loved how he teased me.

“What’s the magic word?”

“What?” I shrieked, still feeling giddy while his hands tickled me all over.

“The magic word.”

“You didn’t tell me one!” I gasped for air between laughs.

“Oh…” He fell silent and suddenly stopped.

“What? What’s wrong?” I said through a staggered giggle.

“Nothing…nothing…it’s just something I used to do with someone else. Sorry, I got caught up and…well, that’s obviously not you.”

An awkward silence crept over us.

“Oh…okay.” I finally got out.

It was like a switch flipped in his brain. He was suddenly so serious.

“We better go. It’s getting close to the end of lunch.”

I wasn’t sure what to think. Was he pretending I was someone else?

He started the car and sped toward the high school.

A few weeks later, I went to Amber’s for a sleepover. We got all dressed up to walk downtown for dinner. She lived close to Lorobi’s, the local pizza shop in Gallipolis, and for once her mom let us have some freedom to go alone.

Amber had transferred to a new school at the beginning of freshman year, and we rarely got time to hang out. We were catching up on each other’s stories about new friends and boys, sharing headphones to a CD player that was blaring Hinder as we walked.

She was dating this new guy Justin, and I was filling her in on my feelings for David. She seemed to really like this new guy, and had no qualms with me dating her ex. When I asked her about making it exclusive, all she had to say was, “I dated him for what, a hot minute? Emma, c’mon. I barely know the guy. Just because we kissed a couple times doesn’t mean I claimed him. We never even fooled around.”

Lorobi’s became a teen hangout around 7 p.m., despite the owner’s vigilant attempts to keep the loud and rambunctious energy out of his small dining room. We got our food and joined the group of kids already eating in the booths.

We were still new to high school and didn’t know many of them, but I recognized a few faces. Amber was completely lost after moving to a new school. It wasn’t long before we saw more familiar faces. A few of our friends we knew from junior high trickled in, and to my surprise, David was right behind them.

He walked up to our table. “Thought you might be here,” he said to me, smirking.

I shot him a confused look. “Oh, yeah? Is that why you’re here?”

“Nah, I was just in the area. Thought I’d stop in and see what was going on before heading home. What are you two up to tonight?” He shot Amber his sparkly eyes. I barely noticed.

Bad sign, Emma. Bad sign. Looking back, I can see all the red flags so clearly.

“Not much. Just hanging out,” Amber said. “I think I see my friend Callie. Why don’t I let you two chat.”

She scooted out of the booth and left David to talk to me. He slid into the booth next to me and put his arm around me.

“I missed you.”

“What do you mean, I just saw you,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

“Well, it’s been a few hours…” He winked at me, moving closer.

He’s so full of himself. Sometimes I wish I had an older Emma on my shoulder back then to help me identify the warning signs, but now I’m just playing narrator.

He leaned in to kiss me, his lips gently grazing against mine.

“So, are you staying at Amber’s tonight?”

“Yep. Girls’ night.”

“Oh…so I’m intruding.”

“No, I mean, we came out, so…” I trailed off.

“Well, why don’t you call me later? I’ve gotta jet soon, but I want to hear your voice before I go to bed.” My body felt clammy. He was making me nervous, but in a good way.

“Okay, I can do that.”

He turned to leave, and I joined Amber and Callie at another booth, my mind still stuck on that kiss.

Later that night, back at Amber’s, we each called our boyfriends from the bunk beds in her room. She stayed on the...